A Fish Called Wondy: Tales of the Jeeper Creepers

old times sake

2010-02-20T08:53:00.003-06:00

I should probably start off by saying I'm socially awkward. I make fun of creepers, but if I'm put in weird situations I say really, really inappropriate things. I can't help it. I'm just a twitchy person, I guess.

My great-aunt Pat passed away this week, so last night I went to the visitation. I guess most of you know how those go. You see a lot of relatives that look vaguely familiar from your childhood, but you have no idea who they are.

So this older lady corners me and makes the usual statement, "I haven't seen you since you were a baby! You are all grown up!" I just agreed that I am now grown up. Then she adds, "The last time I saw you, you threw up all over me." I stood there not knowing what to say. To fill the space she adds, "And I mean ALL over me." I finally said, "Well, I could probably do that again for you. You know for old times sake?" and took off!

if it looks like a date and walks like a date

2010-02-17T14:22:00.000-06:00

So I went to a beer festival in late September with a few friends. Meredith ended up knowing one of the guys serving some of the home brewed beer. We shall call him Chicken, because his name rhymes with a term for chicken. Chicken invited us to an after party. I think it sounds cool, because I’m assuming lots of the beer brewers will be there. We showed up and it was just me, Meredith, Chicken, and Chicken’s wife. No one spoke. It was extremely awkward. Meredith tells me later that she only knows the guy though her very recent ex.

So I was invited to go to a Fat Tuesday Brewmaster’s dinner at a local brewery. The place has amazing food and amazing beer. I was really excited to go to this epic five-course dinner. I walked in with my friend and there’s one place for us to sit. I know that I know the couple sitting at the table, but I don’t know how. I was in full-blown panic mode trying to remember who the couple was before we were committed to the table. As we are walking over I realized it was Chicken and his wife!

Chicken is immediately weird with me. Thankfully my friend is smooth in socially awkward situations and managed to pull together the semblance of a normal conversation. I actually had a lot of fun at the dinner and with my friend. I was very thankful he seemed to be the perfect creeper shield.

Then Chicken made a comment about us being on a date. To be 100% honest, I realized we looked like we were on a date. It’s a guy and a girl at a nice dinner. I shrugged it off, because I never got the impression he liked me, or that I liked him. So Chicken drops the D words like a giant bomb. My eyes grew as being as eggs and I wasted no time saying, “Oh we aren’t on a date.” I’ve had so many creepers butt into my love life that at this point I guess I’m a little defensive about it!

My friend confirmed it wasn’t a date. I think he gave the reason, “I didn’t pick her up. If it was a date, wouldn’t I have picked her up?” LOL. Chicken goes, “Oh okaaaaaaaaaay. It isn’t often I take girls to a dimly lit fancy dinner and not call it a date, but whatever you say.” Then he keeps bringing it up. Mentioning little ways it seems to be a date. At some point I just tuned it out. I could really care less what he thought. I did tune back in to hear my friend say, “Yeah okay. It looks like a date, so yeah I guess it is a date.” DOH! Not what I wanted. No one wants to be a default date.

It sounds like all of this ruined dinner. I don’t know how my friend really feels, but he was a champ at saving the day. He really did deflect most of the hostility and the boys managed to get along fine. The little conversations about if it was a date or if it wasn’t were all pretty short. Once my friend said that it was a date, Chicken left it alone. He only mentioned it once more when we left. His parting shot was, “I hope you two have a nice time on the rest of your date.”

I text a friend from out-of-state about this when I got home. He wrote me back, “Little Rock really is the smallest town ever isn’t it?” Little Rock has nearly 190,000 people. If you add in the greater Little Rock area it’s more like 700,000. That’s way too many people for me to run into someone every ime I go out, but I sure do manage it! I wrote him back and just said, “No I just know everyone!”

snowpocalypse!!!! omg

2010-02-14T07:01:00.003-06:00

I have a new theory. I think cold weather keeps the crazy people indoors. Really you'd think only crazy people would be out in the cold, but as it stands I've went nearly all of 2010 with no creepers. I'm really happy about it, but I have nothing to blog about.

I was told that Friday all 50 states had snow on the ground. I scoffed at this and automatically assumed it was untrue. However, at my job I talk to people across the United States. I had field technicians in Texas, Florida, Georgia, and Missouri mention snow. If all those states have snow, I'll believe the rest do! Of course, Little Rock usually manages to avoid snow. Even if the rest of the state gets it, storm fronts tend to donut around Little Rock. I have no idea why. Might be elevation, the river, the heat from the city, but something either breaks up storms over Little Rock or decreases them.

Snowpocalypse 2010 moved through Little Rock undaunted. We actually didn't have snow in the forecast. There was a slight chance for a winter mix (ie sleet). I woke up at 3:45 AM intending to go shooting, and saw a good three inches of snow on the ground. I was a little bit bleary eyed and surprised to see my yard yet again covered in white. I went back to bed, because my day in the Ozarks was ruined. I got back up around 7 and not much else had happened. I figured the snow was nearly finished. Over the next few hours we were dumped with a lot more snow. It ended up being over six inches. Then we got a rainfall that really packed the snow in. As I type this there's still snow on the ground. Six days later, we still have snow!

I couldn't miss the chance for some pictures, so I headed out in the snow for some shots. I got some at the State Capitol that I'm really proud of. I hope you guys like them.

final rest stop

2010-01-25T16:32:00.004-06:00

This happened a couple of months ago and has become one of those stories I tell new people when I meet them. The guy involved in this story actual has no idea about most of the thoughts that ran though my head, so I imagine if he reads this he will laugh his butt off.

I went a photo outing with a friend of mine. We stopped at the Ozark Cafe in Jasper, Arkansas. It’s just one of those places if you are within a 20 mile radius of it you should stop. Apparently the food didn’t agree with my friend on this day. He failed to tell me this as he pulled into the only rest stop along Highway 7 headed back home.

He was driving my car and left it running with the headlights and everything still on. The door was unlocked and for a moment I wondered if I could reach over and lock it.

This rest stop is a little pull off the highway and makes a loop along the side of the highway. It’s nice because you don’t have to turn your car around to leave. I missed seeing the people get in the car behind me. I did notice them turn around and pull up just behind my car and stop. The door was still unlocked. A mild panic crept in. They crept forward a bit and stopped even with my car. At this point I reached over and slammed the lock. Then they pulled forward a bit more and stopped once again.

It was very dark and I had no idea who was in this car. I started getting scared. My friend had been gone nearly ten minutes at this point. Since he had left the car running, I assumed he was making a quick stop. I convinced myself they murdered him. I also decided they were debating if they should get rid of me too. I am a witness after all! I’m totally thinking to myself, “OMG! OMG! They murdered him. I’m next!”

This is the moment when you realize just how selfish of a person you really are. I think to myself, “Well what if they did murder him!? I mean he’s already dead. Do I just sit here and wait to be next? I mean I’m not dead yet. That’s so much more urgent. (My friend) is already dead! I just gotta leave! I still have time to save myself!” As I think this a rational thought sinks in - If my friend isn’t dead he’s going to be pretty pissed when I abandoned him at a rest area. I mean, even if I came back later what am I going to say, “Well I thought you were dead so I left?”

The car eventually drives off. I settle myself down, but now nearly twenty minutes has passed. So once again I’m thinking, “OMG! They really did murder him. He’s in the bathroom bleeding to death!” I weigh my options. I could bust into the men’s room and find out he’s fine and never hear the end of it. I could sit in the car and let him bleed to death. How long should I wait until I’m not just freaking out? I’m pretty certain the odds are slim he’s bleeding to death, and I already embarrass myself a ton.

Finally I just can’t take it anymore and slowly exit the car and walk towards the restrooms. I act like I’m getting a drink of water just in case he comes out. I’m still trying to avoid admitting I’m wigging out. Just as I approach the water fountains I hear the sink running in the men’s room. I figured someone is really inconsiderate and washing their hands over my friend’s dead, bleeding body or he’s finally finished. I booked it back to the car and pretended I hadn’t gotten out. Then he explained the food had some pretty negative effects.

Anytime I tell this story now it’s usually to a new shooting buddy. I’m not really sure if I’m trying to explain to them that I’m crazy or that next time something similar happens I’ll totally leave someone at a rest stop! Either way with all my excited talk and hand motions the story usually gets a pretty good laugh.

By the way, the next day I realized I had a headlight out. It is highly possible it was a nice family just trying to decide if they should tell the scared girl her car had a headlight out. I have no way of knowing what they were really doing though.

Since pictures are fun, here's a random shot from that day's trip:

here to party

2010-01-23T17:33:00.003-06:00

This isn't really a creeper story, but I have to admit sometimes I really do love strangers. I was in Kroger getting some deli meat. I was on my lunch break and still rather stressed about work. The guy behind the counter goes, "Oh you want to be formal, but you like to have fun!" I was a little shocked and probably made a face to indicate that. He pointed at my tuxedo hoodie (think tuxedo t-shirt the hoodie version) and said he liked it. What he said is a rough quote from Talladega Nights.

I guess he was pretty good friends with the lady working with him. They started a whole conversation about odd t-shirts, which lead to a conversation about looking like a rock star. This ended up leading to a conversation about the awesomeness of Michael Jackson. Apparently the deli guy learned all MJ's dance moves in the '80s. The whole conversation was cracking me up.

if you're nosey and you know it....

2010-01-16T18:57:00.006-06:00

Here's a post for Allison who recently started posting shots around her new place. I thought I'd play along. Well, I'll at least post my living room. It's generally clean, because I never use it! I spend all my time in the kitchen, bedroom, or office.

The blue chair at the right is a yard sale find from my mom. It's pretty cool but not very comfortable. The rest of the furniture is a light green color that I got from Sam's Club. The rest of my decorations are from either yard sales, Target (clearance), Big Lots, or Garden Ridge. I heart cheap!

My house is on the oldish side. We think the living room was an add on. It sits three steps below the rest of house and had odd details like a large window into the kitchen that's too high to see through (from the living room side). Notice the dogs in the picture? Hehe.

You can almost see into the kitchen from this angle. It isn't nearly as clean since I actually use that room. On the TV is an episode of Twin Peaks. I don't have cable or a converter box, so the only things I watch are old DVDs if I'm home.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed a view of my world sorta.

finger lickin' good

2010-01-15T20:14:00.004-06:00

Well, happy creepy New Year everyone.

At work there was a box of cookies on the desk next to mine today. This caused a small frenzy, which I mostly tried to tune out because I'm on a diet. Suddenly I felt something wet and cold on my neck.

I turned and asked the guy standing there, "What was that?"
"I licked my fingers and stuck them on your neck."
"Wait....really? Are you serious!?"
"Yes."

I put disinfectant on my neck after. This guy has read my blog from time to time, so if you are reading this welcome to the creeper list.

nature's bling

2010-01-13T19:25:00.003-06:00

I'm posting this here before I post it on Flickr. Shuush, don't tell. I'm contemplating posting my self portraits here, but I really don't want to maintain three photo sites! I decided to post this one mostly so that retarded diet one isn't my last post. There's a reason, eh?

BTW, still no new creeper stories. 2010 might be my year!!

diet pitfalls

2010-01-11T09:41:00.003-06:00

I haven't had any creeper stories lately. One of my shooting buddies joked that maybe he's rubbed off on me, because nothing weird ever happens to him.

I'm debating polishing off some oldie but goodies so I have some stories to tell. I guess I'll plug my flickr for the time being. I'm doing a project that's fairly common on there. You do one self-portrait a week for a year. The idea is that you practice your skills. I thought it'd be a great way to keep myself in check and not gain anymore weight. A photo a week is going to show if I'm gaining or losing. I think I'll be a bit more responsible if I have to look at myself on that level all the time!

candid camera

2009-12-28T18:03:00.011-06:00

I ~~talked~~ guilted a friend and co-worker into posing for portraits for me. I warned him in advance that the creeper force is strong with me. He sort of shrugged it off saying people are less likely to bug you in groups. I knew better, but I didn't argue. I figured I'd have proof on my side soon enough!

We met in the River Market, because there's tons of backdrops, and it's close to his apartment. I text saying I was at a coffee shop waiting. I realized the place was closed after I sent the text. So I sat there for a few minutes hoping I wouldn't be kicked out.

When Raney walked in he said hello from across the room. I smiled and said hello back. Mostly happy he got there before I was asked to leave. We talked for a second, then stood to leave. The man that was mopping the floor walked up to us and asked Raney if we were related. Raney said no. The guy said, "Okay then. I should tell you that girl's face lit up when you walked in!" Raney laughed and thanked him for the information, and I knocked over a wet floor sign in my embarrassment. (For the record this is not the first time a creeper has told some guy I liked him! I'm so tired of cupid-creepers!) Creeper #1

Most of the shoot was pretty uneventful. We both got cold and headed back indoors. The plan was to do some shots near that coffee shop. The guy from before was still there, so I ended up giggling and walked off. We headed to the other end of the market. Raney took a seat, and I prepared to snap a few shots.

A stranger says to Raney, "Nice to see you again!" It was clear Raney hadn't seen the man before so the "again" was unwarranted. The guy rambled something about celebrity, walk, glass elevator. It was mostly gibberish. I fired a few shots while shaking with the giggles. Then I walked off. Creeper #2

We moved a few tables down, and I took a few more pictures. Finally stopping to tease Raney about Creeper #2. I then pointed out creepers never happen in even numbers, so I was pretty sure there would be at least one more encounter. Just as I said this I turned and made eye contact with a guy headed right for us.

This guy walked up to Raney and asked for an autograph. It totally makes sense because I am a pretty important photographer, so anyone I'm shooting must be famous. Raney laughed and signed the paper. Creeper #3

Trifecta complete!

All in all it was a good day. It was cold, but I got enough shots and stories to make my day.

Here's shots from the day:

playing with fire

2009-12-27T15:18:00.003-06:00

As I type this, I'm sitting here still red-faced from completely embarrassing myself. I might have had dozens of fires in my fireplace, but I apparently still don't know what I'm doing.

As smoke was billowing out of the fireplace I realized I was in trouble. I set off the alarm which is tied to my home security system. I couldn't shut it off, so the alarm system was dispatched. I never changed my home number, so when they couldn't reach me they called the fire department. Then they called my cell phone to kindly let me know the fire department was on it's way! Oh crap! I thought I'd have to explain it to the alarm people but not the fire department!

I tried to tell them to cancel it, but it was too late. I realized this fact, because I could hear the fire trucks coming up the interstate towards my home. I still had a few minutes to bite my nails and wait for them to pull up. I rushed outside and tried to get them to leave, but they wanted to search my entire home for smoke. They even used some heat-sensing cameras to make sure nothing was hot.

I used too many logs and such. Meh. At least I know the response time for the fire department now (it was under ten minutes.)

crazy Christmas

2009-12-25T18:45:00.004-06:00

I love my family, but like most of the world I tend to think mine's a little crazy. We all tend to like each other more the fewer of us are together at once. Like no one really fights if it's just five of us or so in a room. You add anymore than that and all bets are off. I've always been the quiet one. I generally settle in on the couch, zone out, and wait for my parents to be ready to leave.

This is the first year I can remember since I was a kid that we had five plus people in a room and there wasn't a fight. However, there were a few choice quotes that I must share.

Grandpa, "You're busier than a cat covering shit!"

Grandpa when offered a Christmas gift, "Don't poke shit at me! I just won't open it!"

Grandpa to my cousin, "You only learned to cook so you could feed your baby momma!"

(Grandpa was on a roll...)

Dad, "Get in here Kay. We want to hear gossip. Rule is we talk about anybody and everybody that ain't here. Always have!"

My uncle, "Best time to take acid is in a snow storm."

His wife while opening a present, "Awww, but if I open it I'll rip the penguin's head off." She actually seemed really, truly sad about it too.

My aunt got me a fondue pot for Christmas. As I was leaving she slapped my ass and said, "I hope you like it. It's good for teenagers. Those are great for two. You. A guy. Chocolate."
(I'm not a teenager by the way. I'm 28 years old. I'm not even going to begin to comment on her comment either. Scary...)

My family doesn't drink at all. So I have no real excuse for any of these quotes.

playing dress-up with a doctor

2009-12-16T19:21:00.002-06:00

Well I had my dentist appointment the other day. Visits to any sort of doctor always manage to yield some sort of interesting story. It’s almost worth the co-pay. My dental hygienist is the overly attentive type. I like her though.

Well about five minutes into my teeth cleaning I rubbed my eyes. She started apologizing right away and asked if she got something in my eye. I explained that no she hadn’t - I just have dry eyes. Then I mentioned sort of matter-of-factly that I had had an eye abrasion a few weeks before that. (An eye abrasion is where bits of your eye peel off. It’s actually really painful.) I only brought it up to tell her that no my eyes were just bugging me, but it wasn’t her.

Well she freaked out and pulls out some goggles. They looked like welder's goggles. She insisted that I put them on. I tried to say I trusted her not to get anything in my eye, it was more than alright. She kept insisting saying she was worried the bright lights would hurt my eyes. I finally caved and put on the glasses just to stop her from making a fuss.

The rest of the cleaning passed pretty uneventfully. Then my dentist comes in and sort of laughs and says I have some nice glasses. He looks over to the hygienist and causally adds they look a lot like his wielding glasses. She tells him that they are without offering any sort of explanation. It’s at this point I remove the goggles and sit rather red-faced. I felt like a little kid caught playing dress-up with my friend’s parents’ clothes or something. This is how you go from being a creeper magnet to being the creeper.

laughing gas loony

2009-12-13T09:20:00.004-06:00

It's that time of year. I have a teeth cleaning coming up. I still go to my childhood dentist that is a 30-minute drive from here because I picked a local guy and he ended up being crazy! My very first appointment with the guy he wouldn’t speak directly to me. He would talk to the dental hygienist who would then talk to me, even though we were all three in the same room.

The main reason I went to this guy was I heard he gives you a lot of drugs for surgery. I like drugs. Errm, I mean, I like drugs that are legally prescribed to me and taken for a legitimate medical purpose. I needed my wisdom teeth out, and I’m such a freakin’ baby I knew I’d need a massive amount of pills. During the exam before having my wisdom teeth out the dentist asks, “So do you feel any pressure?” Sure this was probably related to my teeth, but it came out of left field so I said, “Errm, pressure like how?” He leans over me with his hands around his face like claws and says, “Pressure like 'GRRRRRRRR!'” Yes, the dentist growled at me like a bear. When your dentist growls at you, you basically have to grin and bear it. After this I still let him extract my wisdom teeth. So wacko the tooth man yanks out one of my wisdom teeth holds it up over me and says, “It’s a boy!” It is lucky part of his arsenal of pills included Valium. Even in a Valium fog I’m thinking, “Oh crap. This dude is crazy.”

There was a few more crazy stories that followed, and I stopped visiting that dentist. I guess I like my childhood dentist whose weirdness habit is his fondness for redhead jokes.

oscar gets prozac

2009-12-10T19:32:00.000-06:00

I stayed at work a few minutes late yesterday. This meant I missed the rush to the parking lot. When I left it was cold and dark. I was walking through an empty parking lot and noticed the janitor pushing a rather large can of trash to the dumpster while laughing his head off. Something about seeing someone in a windy, empty parking lot in the middle of the night laughing is a bit odd. I can't explain it.

let's go krogering

2009-12-09T07:45:00.000-06:00

I was at Kroger the other day buying some last minute things for a party I was attending the next day. I was in a hurry and not paying attention to much around me until the cashier pointed out a purse snatching mid-snatch.

The best part of the whole thing was that the snatchee caught up with the snatcher and started hitting him until he relented and gave her the purse back.

This is about the time the cashier started screaming, "Ladies hold on to your purse! Hold on to your purse!" She looked at me and laughed adding, "I'm just saying - hold on to your purse!" I stood with the cashier for a little while laughing at the scene that was quickly escalating. The snatchee was busy talking to the manager trying to get him to search the would-be perp.

I finally figured the whole thing had played out as much as it was going to and decided to leave. I walked past head-down and grinning ear-to-ear. I wonder if they finally searched the guy?

markham street prophet

2009-12-08T15:59:00.003-06:00

I went on a first date not long ago. It wasn't as awkward as much first dates, because I had known the guy for a while. We settled in at the bar for fun night of drinking and sports. After a few minutes we realized the bar was a mecca for the weird.

There was one guy that was jumping from table to table hitting on girls there with their boyfriends and generally acting like he owned the place. There were random couples - from trendy to sleazy. There was even a band that would drop random, awkward sexual innuendo into their act. Towards the end of the night a lady even treated the bar by lively playing the spoons.

We noticed an elderly guy sitting alone. He was probably close to 80 - balding, age spots, and drunk off his ass. He was making conversation with two girls in their early 20s. I watched him for a while and finally saw him stand up and stumble in my direction. He came up to us and put one arm around me and one arm around my date.

"Can I tell you guys something?" he slurred.

We looked at each other then to him expectately, "Sure..."

He whispered in my ear, "You two are the most in love couple I've ever seen."

I had just enough time to think to myself, "Oh my GOD, don't repeat that!" before my date asked, "What?"

So he whispered in his ear, "You two are the most in love couple I've ever seen." He then looked back and smiled at me.

I stammered, "Thanks..."

He nodded, removed himself from the group hug, stumbled out of the bar, and was never seen again.

This moment didn't ruin the date. We actually both attract crazy people and are rather used to this sort of thing. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

moved

2009-12-07T18:48:00.000-06:00

Yes, folks, the photo portion of this blog has moved! Please update links and where you follow me - if still interested.

http://winrichphotos.blogspot.com/

The latest plan for this current blog is to share random creeper moments I'm part of or witness. I got uncomfortable posting so much personal stuff about myself, so hopefully I'll be able to find a way to share the funny but keep myself mostly out of it.